Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
