Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize