You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
