If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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