2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
