After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
