Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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