I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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