He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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