I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
