I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
