Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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