I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
