I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
