On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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