so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
accomplished twins. life is a go
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
