The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
