Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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