I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
