Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
