and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
