and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
