at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
