I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
