Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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