My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
