do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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