I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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