what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
