Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
