Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
