I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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