You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
