He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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