explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
