Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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