If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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