For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
