tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
