I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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