I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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