Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
