Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
