actually, I'm a sock model
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
