There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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