so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
