I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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