Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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