You made me cry and you don't even care
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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