If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
