Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
