hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
