is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
