saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize