I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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