Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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