I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
