we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
