quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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