I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
