whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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