it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
