the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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