1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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