shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize