No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
