K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
