im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
