her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
