I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
